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The Fear of Losing

I’ve never had an idea of how to feel the fear of losing someone.

Until it woke me up tonight, and let my tears ruins my night.

I cried.

I broke down the wall I’ve built to cover the hurts.

I was afraid I’ll lose someone and never have a chance to have him back.

I sat and asked God to ease the fear, the sorrow, and the uncomfortable feeling that I can not describe.

I was shaking.

I wondered when will all of this over.

I wondered when God will take the pain away.

And I asked for His Mercy and to forgive me.

And I still hadn’t got a clue.

I cannot do this again.

 

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It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

(Covered by Jason Mraz)

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Hello and I Miss You

It’s Thursday night, August 15th.

It’s been almost 50 hours from the heartbreaking scene of my life.

I almost feel better today, I don’t cry when people talk and ask me about that.

I’ve been emotionally pain and suffer, and I put so much effort to ease it.

Not until I realize, I’m not so ready to face it.

I still can imagine him sitting next to me and talk like there’s no tomorrow.

And we laugh, and we make fun of each other.

And we start to remain silent.

We start to make a conversation again about anything.

We don’t have any idea about where to go for a dinner.

We start to googling any place to eat, or looking for a new place to try on Path’s check-in activities.

I still can see his smile, and when he smiles, his left eye gets smaller than the right one.

I still can smell his perfume, even though he doesn’t wear it after 7 hours of hospital duty.

I still can feel his love.

I still can feel him in my heart.

I miss him.

I miss him and there’s nothing I can do for us.

I miss him and even though I let him know, he knows there’s nothing he can do for us.

I miss him and even though we both know, I know there’s no future for this feeling.

I miss him. And the whole world know this isn’t more than a feeling.

I miss you, RAD.

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So This Is It.

So this is the time. The time I’ve never imagine before. I’ve never dreamed about. I’ve never wanted to come. The time I’ve always seen only on TV (dramas and telenovelas, yes). The time when all you can feel and hear is your crying heart. You’re not hurt. You’re half dead. You can’t feel your tears because your brain is not even working and giving order to stop. You can’t stop doing nothing, because when you do…. BANG!!! You’re gonna cry all the tears out. You don’t even realise why it isn’t stop working! You’re sad, you’re disappointed, you’re full of anger…. but you don’t know why you should do that. Whose to blame. Whose to take responsibility of this endless pain. You know nothing. You’re told that it is not your fault and your life is not related to this. But you know it does. It really does and it hurts because you know, everybody lives their own life.

And you know it doesn’t fair, because…. it just does not fair to break someone’s heart who loves you. It’s never fair.

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Does Life Really Begin At 20?

Kata orang, jika kita tenggelam di laut, jangan pernah meminum air laut karena perbedaan osmolaritasnya dapat mematikan sel-sel kita.
Pertanyaan selanjutnya, jika tidak ada persediaan air tawar, mana yang lebih kamu pilih: dehidrasi sampai mati atau mati cepat karena minum air laut?

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Transformasi Pikiran: Sahabat

Siapa yang merasa sulit mencari sosok seorang sahabat?
Siapa yang merasa seorang sahabat adalah satu orang dalam hidup kamu dan tidak mungkin berjumlah lebih dari satu?

Join me with the next thought of mine if you do give a yes for those questions.

Dulu saya tidak pernah merasa punya sahabat. Kalaupun iya, mungkin better dikatakan sebagai teman baik. Sampai pada suatu hari, saya mendeclare seseorang sebagai sahabat saya saat saya duduk di bangku SMA. Saya pikir, cukup sampai disitu karena sesuai dengan pemikiran idealis saya, saya hanya bisa memiliki 1 orang sahabat seumur hidup saya.

Ternyata saya salah. Sejujurnya, saya baru ngeh kalo saya salah sejak beberapa hari belakangan ini. Beberapa kejadian yang tidak menyenangkan membuat saya diperhatikan oleh orang-orang di sekitar saya. Ditemani saat saya benar-benar membutuhkan, dihubungi ketika saya tidak meminta. Mengetahui saya tanpa harus saya bilang mengenai keadaan saya pada mereka. Mengenal saya lebih jauh dari yang saya pikirkan sebelumnya. Saya tidak harus menceritakan masalah saya karena mereka hanya datang untuk menghibur saya, membahagiakan temannya.

Saya tidak habis pikir kenapa selama ini saya terlalu idealis menanggapi harafiah kata sahabat itu sendiri. Ya, memang sih saya akui saya memang orang yang sangat idealis. Tapi saya tidak mengerti dengan diri saya sendiri mengapa saya mengabaikan kata sahabat itu pada Tuhan saya sendiri, misalnya, yang selama ini menjadi tempat curhatan saya tanpa saya harus berkata. Atau pada orang-orang terdekat saya yang lain, bahkan ibu, ayah, dan adik-adik saya yang beranjak dewasa dan menjadi tempat bercerita tanpa harus digosipin atau dijudge karena…..well, we’re sisters. Atau juga pada teman-teman baru dan teman-teman lama yang, tanpa harus berbasa-basi, langsung mendatangi saya dan mengajak tertawa. I was so naive, pikir saya waktu itu. I thought the real bestfriend is those whom they write in novels and movie scripts.

Sahabat ternyata sesederhana itu. Sesederhana mengubah tangisan menjadi tawa. Dan sesederhana melegakan hati yang meracau.

Good night,
R