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Bubbling, Because I Have No Media Social To Share

Great things happen in a week. I was recruited as one of the contributor for health and nutrition’s web, I knew great and awesome people who inspire me, and for no doubt I gain some new dreams for my future career and education. Things I always want to do.
But the thing about it, is that I can’t just write what I want (especially in twitter and instagram) because we follow each other. Haha. I know it sounds silly but it annoys me every time my ‘galau’ time comes. So I choose to write in my lovely old blog because I know nobody reads it (except some people who confessed to me because literally they want to know about my lately woe love life). And I know they’re not subscribe my blog so it might be just a silly coincidence. My stats is moving everyday but I know they’re just strangers so yeah… ok, I’ll just start to write something.
It’s been, hmmmm, 3 months? Lot of things come and go, I’m busy restructuring my plan for my future while the sad and miserable feeling come every time I close my eyes, or every time I watch that stupid romantic drama (I start to hate that creepy genre since I broke up), or every time I listen to a couple songs (especially that random song I listen in shuffle mode and DOES have a special memory with the sweet past), or every time I Pray (means it takes 5+1 times a day to remember again and again EVERY single day), or every time I took so long for a bath (that’s why I hate it), or other little things that took almost 80% of my 24 hours per day. I feel like I have to take a deep breath and say to my brain to stop rewind his face or I’ll kill it, but since I have no right to kill my own brain, I know it won’t stop. The other side of my brain works very well, I got a job (finally) like I said before as a writer (even tho it’s not officially announced and paid yet–thing I need the most).
So what am I trying to say? I just want to…. I want to reconnect me and him. I want to talk to him about life like we used to do. I want to share thoughts. I want to know what is he been up to. I want to be his partner in crime and the first person to know when he’s in a trouble. In a summary, I might miss him.
There are times when I search his name on my contact list and think to start a conversation. But, hell, for the 29876543 times my brain and my heart can’t ever stop to fight. And this kind of thought, like, “Why doesn’t he text or even call you first? You want to be this stupid?” and I always answer with a laugh, “Yeah love is the stupidest thing I’ve ever feel, bro.” always pop up above my head. Dude I can’t even decide what’s the right thing to do. I feel weak and miserable, yes, because somehow I…. I was and still disappointed. But I can’t bear the other side of my heart that still care for him. And I’m lost, I don’t know what’s on his mind. I don’t know whether he feels the same or does he already change. I don’t know if he’s still the same person I’ve known for these 2 years. I don’t know whose to believe. I don’t even know where should I go for a talk because my friends and our friends–they don’t feel the way I do. They’re not my boyfriend nor his girlfriend. They often say to let my heart talk so I can listen to it well. Here is the problem: it doesn’t seem to talk to me any more. So, any other applicable suggestion?
I’ve never imagined love may be the most complicated thing that happen in my life. I didn’t–and never always expect my self as a cheesy girl who talk about love and broken heart every time. But, hey, turns out I have to experience it so I won’t call these things cheesy again in the future, huh?
Sleep tight, cheesy feeling. And please don’t wake up til I feel ready to face it again.
Night,
R.

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From My Dearest Alicia Keys

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me?
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Looking in the sky, I can see your face
And then I know right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ’bout to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream, I’ll just hold on to love
And I can find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

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Bubbling, Saturday Night

Halo, ingin sekali aku menyapamu malam ini.

Mengatakan sapaan baik dan menanyakan kabar,

kemudian menyampaikan:

“Wanita yang baik akan menentukan keputusan yang baik pula. Dia tidak akan memilih antara 2 pria, berdiri dan bertahan dalam kenyamanan sesaat, memilih untuk berusaha berperasaan netral pada kamu sedangkan di lain hari dia seolah-olah berperasaan netral pada pria yang lain itu. Terlebih lagi, bagian yang paling parahnya, wanita itu tidak akan berdiri di antara kamu dan teman baikku. Dia tidak akan serusuh itu pada orang-orang terdekatku.”

Percaya, deh, aku tahu itu hak kamu untuk menentukan siapa selanjutnya yang menjadi bagian dari hidupmu. Tapi kamu bukan laki-laki seperti itu. Gak cocok. Ya salah sendiri sih mulai deketin duluan. Tapi, ya, sudahlah. Jangan diterusin. Unless you want to ruin other’s relationship. My buddy’s relationship.

Gak semudah itu untuk gak peduli sama kamu. We’re all lost stars trying to light the dark. I’m not trying to help you to light the dark. I am your light in the dark, unfortunately.

Kata orang sih.

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Perdebatan

“Duh! Aku kangen!”

“Salah sendiri! Jadi jelek kan hubungannya!”

“Emang salah gue? Gue yang salah? Terus salah dia apa?”

“Ya udah tau dia salah, pake diladenin. Udah aja harusnya biarin apa adanya. Siapa juga yang ga bisa move on? Siapa yang sekarang bilang kangen?”

“Terus kalo dibiarin apa adanya, sampe kapan gue gondok-gondok sendiri ngeliat hidup dia?”

“Yaudah sekarang gini aja deh, biar ga kepikiran tentang kangen lo. Tanya aja sama diri sendiri dia kangennya sama siapa! Kali aja udah sama yang lain!”

“…………………”

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Just A New Thought

when you’re up to social medias, you’ll find yourself easy to believe in what you see, or what you read.

the thing is, what I see the most about breaking ups and unsucceed relationships are this one particular point:

“if he loves you, he’ll do anything. he’ll fight for you, he’ll come even when you don’t want him to, he’ll struggle with you when your relationship’s not working. and if he’s not, you deserve someone who won’t hurt and will always make you happy….. etc”

it hurts to think whether that’s true or not, so I decided to not to mind it that much. it might be true, I mean, who knows about someone’s deepest heart? but, well, a new thought came tonight.

aren’t we so cruel to judge about our exes’ love that was once belong to us? who are we, the Goddess of Love? weren’t we too ever love him so much (and maybe still)? so why we have to believe that words that maybe, in case, is not related to our love story?

the answer is pretty simple, I think. we agree with that oh-so-love-quotes because we can’t accept what he did to us. what he did to our lovely relationship. what he did to our imaginations, hopes, and expectations.

we didn’t take the love that we give.

it’s pretty acceptable–we’re humans, right? they say ‘love is all we need’, so I think it’s our basic need to live. but, somehow, you know you’ll always have that someone whom you will love unconditionally. about how big it is, I don’t know. everybody has their own capacity. but it’s true, right? when you feel this kind of love, you absolutely reach to the point when you feel guilty to blame anyone. you realize that deep inside your heart, you believe that he loves you too. he loves you, darling. he loves you. but, again, you are not alone. you’re created by God, so do your feelings. so does him, and so does his. when he did something to you, it’s not a coincidence. it’s a part of God’s plan. it’s all God’s master script.

so when you love someone unconditionally, tell God that you do. I do tell God. I tell God that I’m so thankful to feel this way, for example. you can ask and beg to God too, since He’s the one who blooms the beauty of love in both of your heart. that’s what I do. I talk about everything and ask for everything and I haven’t yet get the answer (even the clue). so I guess, it’ll be a long prayer every night.

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Hi, There.

I heard from others, you’re in a hard situation. (I know we are).
You’re confused, you feel wrong about this and that.
You absolutely see nothing to the way out.
You’re trying to run away but you can’t,
instead you go to the wrong way (I guess) and you don’t know either where the right one is

So, here is a little advice to you:
You’re 21, and in a couple months you’ll become 22.
You’ll finish your study in a couple months too
See? You’re officially an adult now.
A man.
A quote from the movie Brother Bear says, “A man will not just sit here and do nothing.”
So get up, and do something.
Do what you wanna do.
Tell the world why you wanna do that.
Speak then act,
don’t let these things stuck on your mind
Be brave!
The world needs a brave man.
You’re smart, you have beautiful dreams for your future life, you’re a nice person,
If the universe doesn’t give you a permission to do that,
tell them why you have to do that.
Tell them like you’ve done to me,
when everyone seemed disagree with your wants and I didn’t.
Because I know why you want that.
So let them know too.
Let them understand you like I did. (or did’s’).

Don’t forget to talk to God too.

Forgive me, but, I feel like I don’t know you. I don’t know this person.
You’re not you–the one I know.
And sometimes I know I mistook you too.
So you can forget about this post too and go on with your current life.
Really, it’s just me who worries so much about you.
Really, don’t mind with it.

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Then, How?

Is it even a sin to love someone unconditionally?

If it’s not, then why, why can’t I take a day with out him in my mind?

How, God, tell me how to end this feeling and let it go? Let him go? Let us go? Let it be as You want?